life

Okay, there are like, two full bottles of Windex in this house. And some Lysol. Apparently Fantastic is the most effective, but I don’t think we have any of that. Don’t they all do the same thing in the end anyways?

It’s like the arthropods are attacking…or invading at least. Tonight there was a big spider just chilling by my flip-flop. Hello? Go away. Then Nahla attempted to catch it with a cup but he quickly crawled away. Really quickly. Then crawled back into the crack in the wall where he must live. I also killed two mosquitoes and a moth tonight. The laundry room is another story. It’s like the cobweb hotel down there. There was a black and white cartoon that I watched once when I was little and the hotel was full of spiders and webs. The laundry room isn’t exactly the same, but almost. Five spiders in one visit? And the fact that two of them originated from the dirty clothes on the floor is not comforting at all. My clothes. EW. So disgusting. As long as the spiders don’t come into my room though, I’m good. I never want to hold a tarantula again.

It was exciting, I cooked dinner for myself tonight and last night. Like, complete meals and everything, meat included. And they were good. So yeah, maybe I’m not so hopeless after all. I think it was because nobody was there, waiting to use the kitchen or watching me. Being alone in the house is okay, well as long as the evil one’s presence is not known. It’s still creepy though. And I haven’t been able to have decent sleeps lately. Random dreams and nightmares. The thunder didn’t help last night either. Scared me so badly, because I was already half asleep and dreaming, and then BAM, hello clap of thunder. I hid under my blankets, like I was five years old again. Except this time I didn’t have my mommy.

So it’s officially the first of July. And I have nothing to show for my summer. No money, nothing interesting anyways. I mean, there have been some random fun times but ultimately, the summer has sucked. I am so annoyed. I mean, it’s horrible luck about the restaurant flooding, but come on, now?? So in the meantime, I get to maybe have shifts at another Earls, or start working for GE again, as my dad recently informed me. Chapters is shit too. There are good days and bad days. Lately the bad days have definitely been outnumbering the good ones. I just don’t understand why people think that they can give you such attitude just because they’re the customers. What, you think I’m stupid because I work there? News flash; I am working so I can survive. I mean, dammit. I get paid and I have to set the great majority aside for rent. I have $15 for the next two weeks. Where does it all end? I can’t even afford to buy food now. Or do anything fun at all. I feel like one big charity case. I mean, I wouldn’t want to live with either of my parents, and I don’t want to rely on my dad. But I still just feel like some hopeless kid, stringing herself along, until something better happens. It’s just tough sometimes. And truthfully, you can’t empathize with me. I don’t want to whine; it’s just the situation. I know that eventually it’ll get better though.

I need to go to sleep, so I can get up and work for 8 hours, when I won’t even get holiday pay. Thank you multimillionaire corporation, for once again fucking over your employees.

Happy Canada Day!

*KICK* *POW* *BAM*

Fucking shin splints. That’s all I really have to say. You know, it’s really NOT COOL looking to be limping back home after running. I’m just irritated with myself. And with people. More like a stupid roommate. And a co-worker who thinks she’s right all the time. No, it’s not my shoes that are the problem. And no, it’s not my running form. The shoes have never been the problem. It’s my flat feet and weak ankles. She’s all telling me that you are definitely supposed to hit the ground heel first…then I read in a number of different places that if you’re running for an extended period of time, try hit the ground flat with your foot. Since my feet are flat, apparently my ankles roll inward or something. I don’t know. That’s what the internet said. And she just says it all in this tone, that really frustrates me and makes me seem like the most irrational person ever if I get annoyed with her. She’ll just smile and keep on talking like she’s the most enlightened person in the universe. It’s really patronizing. I KNOW HOW TO RUN PROPERLY. And it’s fucking pissing me off that I can only run for like, 20 minutes before the pain hits and I’m totally screwed. And no, The Prestige is not far superior to The Illusionist, as she thinks it is. Oh., go and watch The Prestige, you’ll see what I mean. GRR. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. And then I just called my manager at Earls to find out what time I could go in next week, and now I’m super embarrassed, even though I didn’t know. He answered and then said that generally, don’t call during 11am-1:30 and 5pm-6:30, because those are their busiest hours. Maybe he sounded annoyed, I don’t know, but it’s generally not a good rule to go annoying your manager before you’ve even started. But oh well, I didn’t think about it before I called. I’m still pissed with myself though. I just want to kick something. Yesterday, I was so annoyed with being at work all day, dealing with dumb people, going for a run seemed like a great idea. Plus, I had to drop off some movies. It did alleviate my bad mood, but I was an idiot to go running so soon again. It was the worst pain I’ve ever had in my leg. And what’s even more painful, is that I can’t run away from the mosquitoes. Lol. Stupid mosquitoes. I hate them. And I keep getting calls from this temp-agency that I worked through last summer, for my dad. No, I do not want to work in a warehouse, thank you very much.

Ok, I really need to go take a few deep breaths before I explode.

in the a.m.

Good morning! Yes, it is past 4am and I’m wide awake. Signing up for the overnight shelving shift seemed like a good idea at the time…I mean, it was fun – actually, it was a lot of fun. Being able to crank the music up really loud and getting pizza and working with funny people is always a good time. I love the people I work with – not that we’re all nerds or anything, but there is definitely a lot of weirdness. And the $50 gift card is nice; now I can buy all the science books I’ve been meaning to get. Yay. Not that I ever seem to be able to finish a book lately, sometimes I swear I have ADD. Tonight it was like ADHD though – I think I freaked out a lot of them, but they were acting funny too. At one point I broke out into the coconut songs and it was like a call-and-response throughout the store; it was fantastic. And I quoted Anchorman all night long. And read random passages from books in British accents, which was quite amusing. At least I got a ride home.

This is going to come off as sounding totally superficial, but I don’t care because it’s true. Lately there have been a number of guys wanting my #, etc etc, wanting to hang out and all that fun stuff – but it’s annoying, super annoying. I don’t know how to say no without coming off as bitchy, but then I just end up looking like a bitch when I end up ignoring them. Like tonight for example. I was chatting with this guy, who was fairly good-looking, I don’t know, he works in Fort Mac for 3 weeks on/ 1 week off, and now he wants to hang out tomorrow night. I don’t know, but right now I’m thinking that I have no intention of ever seeing him again, which sucks, because they ALL KNOW WHERE I WORK. I hate males. I don’t care. I just want to live my life as I want to, without having to worry about stuff like that. Stupid fuckers. Anyways, that’s my rant. I think I’m just really scared of meeting someone that I really like, then losing my independence. I mean, I liked Damian and look where that got me; he turned out to be a raging douchebag of an asshole who has absolutely no balls to speak of. What the fuck. Who does that? Honestly. And so whatever, I didn’t give up all of my spare time to spend with him but I really made an effort, which was pretty good for me! So now I just really don’t care a whole lot, because it usually ends up being shitty. What’s the point in me trying if it’s all going to end the same way? Either the guy won’t like me that much or I just never liked him a whole lot to begin with and just hung out with him because I was bored/felt like I had to. When I told my dad that Damian and myself were no longer seeing each other, he just laughed and told me that I go through men like underwear. Nice words coming from your dad and he doesn’t even know the half of it! Then we had a super awkward conversation and he offered his insight a.k.a. the ‘guy’s p.o.v.’ Fantastic.

Oh and the birds just started singing. That’s crazy how they all just started at once! It’s 4:22 now. I should probably try and go to sleep. Today was a pretty good day, even though I didn’t accomplish a whole lot. I passed English with a ‘C’, which is good considering I missed the midterm. Leanne gets to continue on searching for a career and means to support herself in the long-run. La la la, I get to learn more science…I’m excited. I went for a really long run today too – well, like 70 minutes, which was better than the last one. It just makes me happy, running, especially since I used to do it more a long time ago, and I just feel generally better about life. I’m pretty happy when I’m running actually. And it’s so gorgeous along the river, even if you can’t see it all the time. I like being in the forest. I was thinking about the smells and the grass and how it’s so different from B.C., the trees and trails and water (I know, there’s a whole ocean out there), and how I miss it so much, but I know I would miss Alberta too. I guess I’ve spent the majority of my life out here, with a slightly less number of years in B.C. Oh well! There are just some things that a person will always have in them, no matter how long ago it was.

I’m yawning now. I guess that means it’s bedtime.

where is God now?

I know religion is one of those touchy subjects that can spark a lot of conversation and controversy. I know that there are so many different viewpoints and doctrines and sectors of religion that it’s sometimes difficult to define what you are. How many gods are out there? It’s funny that society can survive and that its citizens can sometimes coexist so peacefully amongst each other when we clearly do not agree on something so important and fundamental to our lives. How can some religions claim their god to be the one and only; their beliefs to be above all of the rest? Do they not see the hypocrisy underlying it all? Are we all so unbelievably jaded that we just can’t see what’s really going on, or is it simply a case of ignorance? Some people refuse to question their beliefs despite clear historical evidence or plain old common sense – it’s more than a refusal to ask questions; it’s seemed to turn into ‘This is what I am; If I don’t agree with your values and religion, then I will judge you, like it or not’. And I don’t really care if nobody agrees with this; it’s how I’ve been seeing the world lately.

Sometimes when I hear certain things, I myself am almost dumbstruck. I always have something to say about almost everything and yet, I have to force myself to bite my tongue and shut up because I don’t want to jeopardize a friendship. I just finished talking to Nahla and somehow the topic of their holy book came into the conversation. She, a girl who is completely and utterly defined by her religion, wants to pray tomorrow at their mosque. Then it hits her that she can’t; she laughs and says ‘of course I can’t, I have my period’. Of course I ask her why not, how should that make any difference? Women in their culture, cannot pray in their church or hold their book because they are unclean during that time of the month. Both sexes are required to wash themselves before praying; it’s common to wash down there, their arms, complete head region, etc, before holding the book. But while they have their period, they have blood coming out of them that makes them ‘unclean and impure’. Their fucking blood is not clean, even though it’s a natural cycle. She has to take solace in the fact that she is allowed to place the book by her head while she sleeps. It honestly makes me want to cry. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And so of course, I fall into the pattern of judgment; I judge their religion because it just seems like it’s infused with hypocrisy and sexism. How is it fair that men have complete power over the women, still, in the 21st century? Honestly, where has all the humanity gone? She is constantly looking over her shoulder, making sure that no Arabs see her out with other guys, or at a club, or somewhere where she is not supposed to be. She doesn’t want to use tampons because her hymen could be broken, and yet you can break your hymen by exercising or horseback riding. She doesn’t want anything up there. It’s insane. The thinking process seems so incredibly warped to me and I don’t even want to try and grasp it all. And then once again, the hypocrisy comes full circle. She lies to her family, is not completely innocent where guys are concerned, cheats during their fasting month and promises to ‘make up the days later’ when she can’t hold out any longer, and somehow people still think that she is perfect. She tells me that guys call her a saint. Sacred. How is this still possible? She’s a beautiful person but by no means is she perfect. Like the rest of us, she’s human and is subject to huge mistakes and wrong decisions and regrets. And yet we can still be made out to be dirty and wrong and living in sin. It makes me want to rage, but I can’t.

And then there is the case of the Mormon guy, Izzy, from work. He refuses to work Sundays; that is the day they go to temple and pray and all of that Mormon stuff we hear about. He uses this as an excuse to sleep in and play video games. Everybody knows he is obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons, and that Sunday is the day he’ll play it all day. He reads manga graphic novels. Those ‘books’ are littered with breasts and sexual innuendo and are not even real literature. He says he will lower his eyes during a movie if there are naked women on screen. So it’s ok to read about it and see those drawings? It’s okay to use your religion as an excuse to get out of working? It’s okay to judge those who read romance novels and simply write them off as erotica? He doesn’t see the difference between erotica novels and romance and pornography. Yet the two former are actual stories. There are words and structure and plots. His video games and graphic novels feature more sex and murder and all sorts of supposedly inappropriate content than some of our guilty pleasures do. Where does he get off judging us for our lives? I choose to have sex; some of us choose to not be confined to mundane and archaic standards like so many of the women in those certain religions. It’s all just complete bullshit.

I just wish there was something that I could be, something that isn’t a label or that has a name. Yes, I was baptized a Roman Catholic, sometimes I will go to church at Christmas. I used to pray almost every night. Since December I haven’t prayed, not once. I haven’t even prayed when I really, truly needed something from God. There are always those little daily prayers though, the ones where you say ‘please God, let me pass this test’ or ‘Jesus, let them be okay’; but I think that’s just automatic now. So I don’t know, I don’t pray, yet I try to lead my life like a good Christian. Yet I can’t pray. Do I apologize for that? Am I just being hypocritical myself for judging those that can actually pray to their gods, yet don’t follow through with their beliefs? I shouldn’t have to because it’s my choice, and yet I feel like I’m being judged by the ones who think that they have a strong grasp on their lives and self, even if it’s just deluded or wrong. So I wonder; when I die, will there be a god waiting for me at the gates, ready to open them into eternity? Or will there just be nothing, a giant void full of past mistakes and regrets, full of the message that you turned away from God, cursed and damned Him for choosing you? Maybe that’s just my own little Hell, a place where I can think about thoughts and actions of mine throughout my life. In a way I figure it something like this – if God can so easily penalize me for my actions and make me suffer, and if I’m not strong enough to deal with it all, then I am left with nothing. I can’t say that I am an agnostic, I still believe that God is there, I know He watches and is somewhere. I just don’t know where He is or how to find Him. And then one might say, you could pray and let Him back into your life. But somehow I can’t do that just yet, I don’t feel like I should be allowed to have a god watching over me; I don’t think that I’m good enough.

And so it continues, this hopeless cycle, going ‘round and ‘round again...and I still don't know where He is.

fuckedy fuck fuck la la la. I am so screwed for English tomorrow. There are a LOT of hot asians in Rutherford South. Seriously. I know a lot of people aren't attracted to them, well, Dani said she wasn't, but these ones are GOOD looking. Especially this one in a red shirt, yeah, I may have been looking at him when I was supposed to be reading the endings of ten stupid plays by, who is that guy again? Oh yeah, right, SHITSPEARE. oh Shakespeare. I lie, I do enjoy some of it. The lewd references to sex and genitalia and various other comments...haha, it's just a potpourri of dirty jokes!

And...I am on my crummy laptop. It's slow. But my desktop doesn't like me and decided to be a bitch. I stole your internet Dani; it's kind of funny, but you're not home and so therefore it doesn't matter. I'll fix it before you come home tomorrow though, haha, I feel so ingenious, switching the cords from the router in the basement. So that must mean there's something wrong with the connection to my bedroom, oh wait, OF COURSE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CONNECTION. There is ALWAYS something wrong with ANYTHING computer-related when I'm involved. I don't even understand why, I never DID ANYTHING WRONG. Why is it this room where the internet connection decides to not work? Why didn't my stupid computer like restarting? There is no point in asking these questions, because the answer remains the same - LEANNE HAS BAD LUCK WITH COMPUTERS. Ok ok, I get it, I have realized that myself and a computer may never get along, but it keeeps on happening. I GET THE POINT, thank you very much. Although I am happy about being able to use my piece of shit laptop again - I'm really not a desktop kind of PC girl..hmm once you go laptop you'll never go desktop? Perhaps.

Anyways. I need to go 'study' aka try not to fall asleep while reading shitty plays. And I have to make my cheat sheet...the one that we're allowed to have. I really hope this exam goes well; I can't afford to fuck it up majorly.

All I want to do is go to sleep...

So...it's almost 1AM. I'm still awake. That's not really new for me. I wonder why I don't sleep very much. Maybe I drink too much coffee? It's not my fault; I have an addiction! It's true. Caffeine is the greatest thing in the entire world. One day, when I learn how to write properly, I will write a poem about the wonders of coffee. Hmm. *Ponders*

Ode to a Bean

Coffee bean, so irregular and brown
You could never make me frown!
I love coffee, it just makes me smile,
Gets me hyper if only for a little while
Oh coffee bean, I really would give you a hug
If only you weren't crushed up in my mug.


Oh God, I really am an idiot. haha. I hope everyone enjoys my poem. Hopefully a bit more than my singing voice. I know how much you all love my singing. Especially Dani. I am just amazing. Yeah. Today was a weird day. Dani and I shared a memorable walk to school. I guess it really is possible for us to act even more stupid than we normally do in public! I was kind of late to zoology, but not really, because he was babbling about worms or the museum or something I don't really care about. Then in EAS I decided to sit with this girl that's been/is in a lot of my classes, we randomly talk maybe once a week. I don't really remember her name. But that's ok.

La la la. I still kind of hate Chapters. I would miss it a little. Well actually, I would miss 'working', but not really working, and the people at Starbucks. And yes, I actually do have friends there, it's not just one person. They're all great! Stupid Chapters. Oh well...we'll see how the summer job situation turns out. I am looking forward to the summer. But not looking forward to me being stuck in this city for another year and a half. By the time I am done school, I will be 22 and no closer to having a real life. Oh my God, 22??! I'm not even 21 yet. I just want to stop school. I mean, I want to say that I have a degree, but is it really worth it if it's not going to help me in the long run? Ok...so I have a degree...but I'm poor and can't do what I want with my life. I don't even know what I want with my life. Hopefully I'll figure it out sometime soon. I know I'll get somewhere soon...to that place I want to be, even though I'm not sure where it is yet, or where I'm going. Ugh. Too many thoughts for 1:16 in the morning. Ok, going to bed now. 8AM lab, oh joy, I can hardly wait. Stupid crustaceans. I don't feel like dissecting a crayfish. Lame crayfish. My head hurts. I keep on cracking my jaw, which is why it's hurting. Oh crap, I have to print off notes tomorrow. Grr. Dumb notes. I guess I'm going back to knowledge common. Surprise surprise, my home away from home. It's super cold in here.

And apparently I have ADD and can't stay on track. I've been like this all night though, I can't keep up with the speed of my thoughts. I feel like such a spaz.

Ok, bedtime for Leanne.

a matter of (social) life and death!

So, this morning I felt super pathetic. I guess it's really not that bad, but still. I woke up around quarter to seven, probably about 1.5 hours short of my desired wake up time...yes, I know, 6:15 is kind of unrealistic if I went to bed at half past one, but still. I have FOUR alarm clocks and I still can't even get up right away. And somehow, in the twilight zone, my half-awake stage of sleeping, I can justify anything - not waking up to study included. Apparently panic or the need for review doesn't penetrate into my sleep.

Once I dragged myself out of bed, I participated in an epic battle with my computer, or rather, the university and its deranged 'set of learning tools', WEBCT. I hate that program. WEBCT: 1 Leanne: 0. I know, it's pathetic. I really wanted to look at my EAS notes, I really did, my computer just wouldn't let me. I wonder if that's a good enough excuse for not doing so well? I will pretend it is.

My pathetic morning didn't realize its full potential until around 8:15, when I finally psyched myself into calling Damian to tell him that no, I could not make it for breakfast, because A) I am lazy, B) I procrastinate way too much, C) I have no sense of direction, and D) I might not have had enough time to get to English. Those four excellent reasons add up to Pathetic. But wait, it gets even better. So I call the # he gave me; to my relief, the # was not available. Then I text his cell, telling him I cannot come, and that he should give me a call later. (This being the secondary part of my brilliant plan to ask him out...the inital stage was executed last night, by using my wonderful skills at flirting. Yes, I still have them). So I then realize that perhaps I should shower, because everyone likes a shower. I bring my cell phone into the washroom, thinking that he probably won't call, but you never know, he always could. Yeah, he called. And it was super loud. Very loud ringing = annoying for everyone, myself included. The purple mat got really wet in my lightning-speed attempt to get to the phone quickly. At least he didn't know that water was dripping everywhere and that I had a huge 'P' scrawled across my forehead. No, I was friendly and calm and all-around great, so great that I now have a date for sometime this week/weekend. I now remember that he was the good looking new Starbucks boy back from October, the one that had a girlfriend. That makes it even better. And oh yeah, I only brought my phone into the washroom because I didn't want it to be beeping while I was in the shower. We'll leave it at that.

On a more annoying note - I hate my job. I think that place brings out the worst in me. 6.5 hours of my life, wasted tonight, because I realized that yes, I can get away with doing absolutely nothing for that length of time. Apparently, I am just that good. Except for that's bullshit, because I was standing in Starbucks, in my vest, for a good chunk of the night, ignoring the phones for the most part, not asking people if they needed help, and talking with Derek for the rest of it. Oh yes, and a grand total of an hour for my break. Because I decided that I needed another break after my first 45-minute one. I will never get that time back. But I still wish I could get away with that much socializing all the time. Because that would be awesome. And I really love free anything from Starbucks. Tonight Alec was all like...oh no, I touched your cookie, I can't charge you for it now. In addition to my espresso. Apparently Derek thinks those people from Starbucks are pretentious assholes - I don't know about pretentious, a little snobby maybe, but they work at Starbucks. That's like working at Abercrombie or Hollister. You kind of need it. The customers are snobby enough as it is...'yes, I would like my grande half-sweet non-fat toffee nut americano, with room, PRONTO, because my little cute laptop might get stolen off of the table scattered with my pens and other artsy looking things. And oh no, you did not just fuck up my drink!'........I HATE THOSE PEOPLE. First off, bringing your laptop to Starbucks does not make you look cool. I hope you drop it in puddle on your way home. Or leave it on the roof of your supercool car. Second, having black hair combed over to the side with random streaks of yellow scattered throughout, does not make you punk. Neither do those tapered jeans and sneakers. I'm sorry, you look stupid. Anyways, the point is that the people who work at Starbucks pretty much save my life where work is concerned. I would likely die from caffeine deprivation and then from not having anyone to gossip with. They are awesome people. Who know how to make me coffee.

Beartracks kicked me off at exactly 2am. Do they not realize that students like to procrastinate on things like creating their schedules? I object to that. 2am is not a reasonable hour, I doubt they do that much site-maintenance. Anyways, I don't care, I just need a decent schedule. And nobody better steal my courses before Friday at 6am. And oh yes, I will be awake for 6am, ready to pilfer and pillage my way to a degree. Maybe one day. And specialization/honours kids can just go bite me. I know they don't read this, but - 'I dislike you'. And so now, I get to strategically plan out my schedule, so that maybe I won't die from fatigue in my fourth year. Holy crap, fourth year. That is insane. I feel a little old, but I'll embrace the fact that I am still 20 for another few months. Although I really, really do want to turn 21. It's going to be fantastic.

Maybe I should go to bed...I really like Tuesdays, not having class right away REALLY helps me with the stress and amount of sleep I get. Tonight shouldn't be any indication of that, I had two coffees, it's not my fault I don't sleep. I think I'm completely and totally addicted. I'm fine with that though. And now I'm babbling because I really am quite tired now.

Yay Bed. Yay Pillows. Yay Sleep.