it's beginning to get to me

Good evening all,

So…tonight was pretty uneventful at work. The Destiny’s Child homeless guy was being a douche and smelled especially awful. I told him to leave twice but in the meantime he was checking me out. Maybe that’s what I get for wearing lululemon pants to work…but still, fucking bastard. If he comes in tomorrow, I’m complaining to management. Stupid asshole. And apparently I play really good music, according to everybody. Where were they all last week when I played terrible music? Everybody’s a critic. Le sigh.

Last night I had a wonderful dream about the ocean – I told Dani about it, but telling someone about a dream just isn’t the same as remembering it. It was so nice to see it again, even to feel afraid of it. I remember trying to smell the air, but I couldn’t. But seeing the waves and rocks was pretty fantastic though. It just makes me want to move to Vancouver even more. All in good time though, I guess. If I can make it through the rest of school. Oh well, whatever is meant to be will hopefully happen.

I’m sad about my lamp breaking tonight…that really sucks. It was sure nice to come home to that, so THANK YOU to whatever bit of fate decided to dish that one out. Even if Andy did decide to do some acrobatic jumping with his fat ass, I’m still kind of pissed off. I want all of his fur to fall off. Or for me to become immune to it. I can’t handle the itchiness. My entire face is itchy right now – it’s so awesome; I’m breaking out AND I look like I have the chicken pox. I love life. Can’t love lamp anymore because lamp is broken. And I think there are little red glass splinters embedded in my hands now – a lot of glass shards are littered throughout that top drawer and I just unsuccessfully tried to fish them out. OW, I’M SO ITCHY.

I’m feeling really out of sorts right now and I don’t know why. I’m not going to blame it on being that time of the month or anything – I just feel like I’m back in first year, when I was feeling really low and down on myself. I hate those feelings; I thought I was past all of that, but apparently not. So I’m just going to resign myself to really random mood swings and hope that I feel better soon. I’m just so aggravated with absolutely anything and everything right now. I feel like I’m going to explode – or implode, because nobody really does that anymore.

I know the complaining sucks but I had to get it out somehow and boy, do I love our blogs.

I really love autumn. It's my favorite season. It's so gorgeous outside - the leaves are turning and the sunlight has a different glow. I like crunching through the leaves and smelling the brisk fall air.

I walked into the bathroom tonight and there was a spider on the floor beside the toilet. Yes, a medium-sized, brown, and spindly spider. I stood there for probably half a minute, contemplating possible actions. I had a kleenex and the can of air freshener ready - my first reaction was to crush it to death, smush it up with the can, then pick its remains up off the tile, and flush that ugly spider down the toilet. I don't really like spiders, can you tell?

Then I found myself thinking of the supposed 'morality' of me killing that spider. Maybe it's because I had been in the middle of writing my view on animal testing for my bioethics class - I would be a hypocrite for killing that spider just because he scares me. So I decided to undergo a rescue mission, involving a container and its lid. I let him sit under the container for awhile, while I figured out a way to put the lid on without allowing him to crawl away, him being the very, very sneaky spider I'm sure he is. I screamed once, then got him in. And proceeded to take him outside. It was cold out there and I'm sure he's either going to find another way back in here, or go to the place spiders go when it gets too cold outside.

So...I let the spider go - but he might just die anyways. Now I'm thinking about how autumn is just a golden way of covering up death. Everything is dying and we're walking straight through it, through the leaves and fading daylight.