So do you think that they have actually invented real chill pills? And if not - why the fuck NOT? I seriously need one. Maybe just medication or something. I Don't know - for the last week I have been on edge. Typing right now is so hard because I am so stressed out and anxious. My fingers aren't really cooperating and I keep on having to fix things. I feel very panicky right now and everything is just building up and I am going to have a melt-down. Talking or writing about it doesn't help either - so far I have tried talking to three separate people and it doesn nothing. Still really stressed out. I'm really hoping that this goes away before the real stress (a.k.a. School) begins. Actually no - it's already stressing me out. Why can't they just e-mail me back with answers to my questions? It's not that difficult and it's fucking me over. I really need to breathe because for SOME reason my vision is going all funny and I feel like I'm actually going to pass out. Except for that I'm sitting down and I shouldn't be feeling like I stood up too fast - hate it, hate it, hate it. I need to go for a walk//run/whatever. My mind is just running on warp-speed or something - too fast to even think really clearly. I tried stabbing a bulletin board with a tack but I just freaked out the other girls working here. Nothing is working and I'm not calming down yet. I can't even think. K, this is getting me nowhere.

I never did disappear or leave. I didn't go to Kelowna. I didn't go anywhere, but I'm okay with that. I'm just kind of blah right now about pretty much everything. I really don't know what to do or where to go anymore. My home really isn't my home - my mom says I'm not allowed to come home apparently. It's all messed up. All I do when I go home is retreat to my room, read and listen to music - and sleep. My brothers aren't even there anymore so there really is no point to going back, but I'm going to have to eventually - like tonight. Oh, blech. Life is fucked. Oh yeah - I broke up with Jason. There's a little bit of happiness there I guess - well not happiness exactly - just relief. Even though I don't really go out during the week anymore, I really don't care. I don't have to deal with all of the drama and bullshit, which makes me happy. And things are going well with this other person, so I'm happy about that.
*sigh*
i don't know what to do.

Hey guys - just writing a quick post to tell you all 'goodbye'

I have decided that I am going to skip town tomorrow after work and just screw right the f*ck off to someplace where nobody knows where I am. And since I don't have a cell phone, nobody will be able to reach me. Oh you just wait and see. It'll happen. And if I draw my absence out until sometime later Saturday night, then I won't be going to Kelowna. Everything will be perfectly fine then - ah. I feel like I used to when I'd avoid visiting my dad when I was a lot younger. Except this time it's *ahem* you-know-who and my cousin.

I'm totally done for.

At least I have my purse. It's smiling at me now. It is telling me to go to the caribbean and just live a peaceful life chewing on four-leaf clovers and mint leaves or something equally calming and peaceful.

Oh yeah - it's gonna be great. I may write in here tomorrow to finalize the plans. But until then, or not at all -

Arrivederci i miei amici bei...

This may sound pathetic but I may no longer be turning to food (ice cream, chips, etc) when I am feeling sad and depressed. I bought a new purse today at work - I've wanted it forever but I never bought it. It's a pink and brown caribbean joe purse, and it's very bright and kind of lifts my spirits when I look at it. I've already removed my wallet and other things from my 'L' purse and they now live in the pink purse. I left it on my desk so I can look at it and feel a bit happier. I know we shouldn't turn to materialistic things to help us along but it's definitely doing a good job. But I know when I go home and have time to myself to think, the purse really won't make much of a difference.

I wish I could move to the caribbean and live in a little hut with a palm tree outside my window. That would make me happy.

So now I am back from Idaho. Things were so peaceful and I felt absolutely no stress while I was away – and now my life is just as complicated, screwed up, confusing, and difficult as it was before. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining but still – why can’t anything ever go right? I don’t understand why everything I have to say must obviously be wrong or totally unfounded. It’s such bullshit. I am not an idiotic little child who doesn’t know what she wants – on the contrary. Quite frankly I know exactly what I want to do and he is just making it all the more difficult and frustrating and hurtful for both of us. I honestly don’t feel like I’m just throwing a great thing away – I mean, I thought we did have a good thing going – when times were good, well they were really good. But when times were bad, they were horrible and disgusting and I was always crying about things. Even though he wants another chance because he knows he’s messed up majorly – I really do forgive him but it’s like I have already moved on with my life. I hate going back on decisions because then I just second guess myself and then I don’t know what the hell is going on. Why can’t he just accept that no, I don’t love him, and that yes, maybe I do want to experience things with other people – even if that means missing him or getting hurt in the end? He says he sees how his friends act when they are not around their girlfriends – and he says that there are not a lot of guys out there who don’t cheat or think about any other girl. He says that he’s not being conceited but it sounds like he’s trying to make me realize that I’m fucked without him and that I will never, ever find another guy who will treat me well. Call me crazy, but I am independent and I want to be done with this. We had 6 months together – and I think that I did pretty damn good for my first relationship. I don’t want to marry this guy; I absolutely hate talking about the future – it freaks me out a little. I’d like to spend August not attached to anybody and just see how things work out. And I’d like to move back to Edmonton and have fun with my friends and concentrate on my studies without having to worry about making time for him. I suppose that when I look back on these words I may sound selfish – but I’m going with my intuition and gut-feeling. When I think about being with him I get a panicky feeling in my stomach – and they are most definitely not the butterflies. I wasn’t excited to see him for the first time in ten days yesterday – and I am absolutely loving the fact that I don’t have to call him at all for the rest of this week. I don’t want to go to Kelowna – if I do go, it’s only for my cousin and the fact that I don’t want to screw her over. It’s kind of a fucked up situation but people do change and I definitely have. I asked my mother when she knew she was in love with a guy and she said that it happened when she realized that she wanted to spend all of her time with him. I think that makes a lot of sense and it made me realize that I’m just not feeling the same way as he is anymore – I don’t want to spend any time with him anymore. It makes me a little sad that I feel this way but I can’t help it. I think that there have just been too many past hurts and problems to continue on with this – whatever we had or have, I don’t know.
Oh sigh, I’m so confused right now. But going home and just doing my own thing and not having to check in or make sure I call him is incredibly relieving. I honestly don’t think I’m going to regret all the things that I have said or done and am about to do.