where is God now?

I know religion is one of those touchy subjects that can spark a lot of conversation and controversy. I know that there are so many different viewpoints and doctrines and sectors of religion that it’s sometimes difficult to define what you are. How many gods are out there? It’s funny that society can survive and that its citizens can sometimes coexist so peacefully amongst each other when we clearly do not agree on something so important and fundamental to our lives. How can some religions claim their god to be the one and only; their beliefs to be above all of the rest? Do they not see the hypocrisy underlying it all? Are we all so unbelievably jaded that we just can’t see what’s really going on, or is it simply a case of ignorance? Some people refuse to question their beliefs despite clear historical evidence or plain old common sense – it’s more than a refusal to ask questions; it’s seemed to turn into ‘This is what I am; If I don’t agree with your values and religion, then I will judge you, like it or not’. And I don’t really care if nobody agrees with this; it’s how I’ve been seeing the world lately.

Sometimes when I hear certain things, I myself am almost dumbstruck. I always have something to say about almost everything and yet, I have to force myself to bite my tongue and shut up because I don’t want to jeopardize a friendship. I just finished talking to Nahla and somehow the topic of their holy book came into the conversation. She, a girl who is completely and utterly defined by her religion, wants to pray tomorrow at their mosque. Then it hits her that she can’t; she laughs and says ‘of course I can’t, I have my period’. Of course I ask her why not, how should that make any difference? Women in their culture, cannot pray in their church or hold their book because they are unclean during that time of the month. Both sexes are required to wash themselves before praying; it’s common to wash down there, their arms, complete head region, etc, before holding the book. But while they have their period, they have blood coming out of them that makes them ‘unclean and impure’. Their fucking blood is not clean, even though it’s a natural cycle. She has to take solace in the fact that she is allowed to place the book by her head while she sleeps. It honestly makes me want to cry. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And so of course, I fall into the pattern of judgment; I judge their religion because it just seems like it’s infused with hypocrisy and sexism. How is it fair that men have complete power over the women, still, in the 21st century? Honestly, where has all the humanity gone? She is constantly looking over her shoulder, making sure that no Arabs see her out with other guys, or at a club, or somewhere where she is not supposed to be. She doesn’t want to use tampons because her hymen could be broken, and yet you can break your hymen by exercising or horseback riding. She doesn’t want anything up there. It’s insane. The thinking process seems so incredibly warped to me and I don’t even want to try and grasp it all. And then once again, the hypocrisy comes full circle. She lies to her family, is not completely innocent where guys are concerned, cheats during their fasting month and promises to ‘make up the days later’ when she can’t hold out any longer, and somehow people still think that she is perfect. She tells me that guys call her a saint. Sacred. How is this still possible? She’s a beautiful person but by no means is she perfect. Like the rest of us, she’s human and is subject to huge mistakes and wrong decisions and regrets. And yet we can still be made out to be dirty and wrong and living in sin. It makes me want to rage, but I can’t.

And then there is the case of the Mormon guy, Izzy, from work. He refuses to work Sundays; that is the day they go to temple and pray and all of that Mormon stuff we hear about. He uses this as an excuse to sleep in and play video games. Everybody knows he is obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons, and that Sunday is the day he’ll play it all day. He reads manga graphic novels. Those ‘books’ are littered with breasts and sexual innuendo and are not even real literature. He says he will lower his eyes during a movie if there are naked women on screen. So it’s ok to read about it and see those drawings? It’s okay to use your religion as an excuse to get out of working? It’s okay to judge those who read romance novels and simply write them off as erotica? He doesn’t see the difference between erotica novels and romance and pornography. Yet the two former are actual stories. There are words and structure and plots. His video games and graphic novels feature more sex and murder and all sorts of supposedly inappropriate content than some of our guilty pleasures do. Where does he get off judging us for our lives? I choose to have sex; some of us choose to not be confined to mundane and archaic standards like so many of the women in those certain religions. It’s all just complete bullshit.

I just wish there was something that I could be, something that isn’t a label or that has a name. Yes, I was baptized a Roman Catholic, sometimes I will go to church at Christmas. I used to pray almost every night. Since December I haven’t prayed, not once. I haven’t even prayed when I really, truly needed something from God. There are always those little daily prayers though, the ones where you say ‘please God, let me pass this test’ or ‘Jesus, let them be okay’; but I think that’s just automatic now. So I don’t know, I don’t pray, yet I try to lead my life like a good Christian. Yet I can’t pray. Do I apologize for that? Am I just being hypocritical myself for judging those that can actually pray to their gods, yet don’t follow through with their beliefs? I shouldn’t have to because it’s my choice, and yet I feel like I’m being judged by the ones who think that they have a strong grasp on their lives and self, even if it’s just deluded or wrong. So I wonder; when I die, will there be a god waiting for me at the gates, ready to open them into eternity? Or will there just be nothing, a giant void full of past mistakes and regrets, full of the message that you turned away from God, cursed and damned Him for choosing you? Maybe that’s just my own little Hell, a place where I can think about thoughts and actions of mine throughout my life. In a way I figure it something like this – if God can so easily penalize me for my actions and make me suffer, and if I’m not strong enough to deal with it all, then I am left with nothing. I can’t say that I am an agnostic, I still believe that God is there, I know He watches and is somewhere. I just don’t know where He is or how to find Him. And then one might say, you could pray and let Him back into your life. But somehow I can’t do that just yet, I don’t feel like I should be allowed to have a god watching over me; I don’t think that I’m good enough.

And so it continues, this hopeless cycle, going ‘round and ‘round again...and I still don't know where He is.