I really wish I could just fuck off and disappear. I hate this place so much, I can't even handle being in my bedroom because people still know where to find me. I wish I had a stupid hiding spot or something, or that I could pretend I was never home. And we still have a month and a half - it's not going to go fast enough, now that I want it to move quickly. I wish classes were over at the end of the month, or right now preferably. I'm so sick of everything. We live in a fucking shit-hole here, continually wasting money and TIME. I'm so sick of wasting time. I feel so stuck and it's just stupid. Lister just feels like a damn time capsule right now and I want OUT. I should be able to do what I want, when I want, without anybody knowing what I'm up to, or having to sleep with somebody and lay awake for HOURS because it's just one big pointless thing. I don't want to be in a relationship now, why should I have to pretend? It's fucking bullshit and I feel used, actually. I feel like I'm just someone to sleep with. Sure we and kind of hang out, but it's just DUMB. I know I'm capable of so much more, and the whole 'I have no time' excuse is just that - an excuse. I am a pretty busy person, with classes and all that stuff, but I still have time for important things. Like hanging out with you girls and taking breaks. Or going out randomly on the weekends. So there. I proved it. Hanging out with Kyle is just one big waste of time. Sure, it's the most comfortable thing in the world, but maybe what I thought I needed is exactly what I don't want. Lying there last night - I know I was bitchy because I couldn't sleep, and once again he just passed out - and that I may have been just making too quick of a decision, but oh well. I still feel the same and I want out of this. I didn't sign up for some casual fuck buddy and sleeping partner. I'm not fucking married, and that's almost what it feels like. Whatever happened to good old spontaneity? Well, it's completely LACKING in my life and I know I am a spontaneous girl, so I want it BACK. And I just want maturity. I mean, is that too much to ask for? It doesn't even seem to matter how much older a guy is, I'm the one who always wears the fucking pants. Is it too much to ask that the person I'm with doesn't feel the need to get absolutely hammered every night of the weekend? Whatever happened to sober fun? Maybe I'm being a bit too picky but I don't give a fuck, I've dealt with enough alcohol and drinking problems all my life to lower my standards now. And staying in Lister is the most perfect way to not mature, and to stay in this little bubble of refusal - refusal to realize that living here is NOT living on your own, it's just a little place to have some fun before you go out into the big world. And that's okay for some, I know a lot of people who definitely are not ready to go out there and deal with life. So, FINE, I guess I'll just deal with this hell-hole for a little while longer, hating it immensely, and counting down the days until I can just get the hell out of here and off into the real world. And hopefully all of the distractions and irritating people and bi-weekly alcohol binges will be left behind as well.

And I'm spent.

I am just so frustrated with everyone and everything around here and in my life. And I'm not going to blame it on PMS or anything like that. At first I did, because usually that's how it goes. I don't even know if this is something that can be solved by leaving Lister and living on my own. I'm just sick of the human race now. Honestly. Almost everyone is exactly the same and nothing is ever changing. I don't remember ever being this fed up with everybody - and once again, it's so frustrating. I'm looking at the same people and it's like my brain and personality have been replaced with someone elses. I am just not myself. But the thing is, I really don't mind. I feel like something has changed, or something is just different - like I've come to a realization, one that has taken me a long time to get to - and strangely enough - I'm satisfied with it. I feel like I've accepted that people will be the way they are and all of my previous anger has just been replaced with a feeling of dead emptiness. And I can't help how I feel. I think about things and people and I feel a tiny bit of anger or annoyance, but then it just quickly fades away. I am just so tired right now. With everything.

I am grumpy. And really angry. I hate living here, I really do. I honestly don't like many of the people in Lister, save for you girls and random second years that we've lived with before. And I'm not even sure about them, for the most part. Everyone is just so JUVENILE. I mean, grow the fuck up already. Sure, living in Lister is almost like a big party for a lot of people. Yes, someone is usually going out, and sure, go out with them and have some fun. But wanting to have fun does not give you license to act like a jerk. Living in Lister does not give you the right to act like you did back in junior high or high school. Remember a few years back, when we graduated? I'm sure everyone, myself included, felt the promise of a new start - freedom, the beginnings of being an adult. Now, for God's sake, please act like one. I don't care if you're in your fucking first, second, or third year, GROW THE HELL UP. Stop being so irritating and bitchy, and if you don't like something that another person says or does, then TELL THEM. I don't have a problem with telling people here what I think, why can't they just have the decency to say or do something straight up, without first being an ignorant idiot and sneaking around? And why am I the bitch because I'm not afraid to tell someone how I feel? Why am I not a 'nice' person?? Because when I'm pissed off, I don't give a shit who knows it? Everyone is regressing, all the way back to grade school, when I remember talking about people behind their backs and being sweet to their face, or when I made fun of people because my friends did, or when I didn't support friends because that wouldn't be 'cool' in the eyes of others. I thought we all left those days behind. Apparently not.