Okay, it's official. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm not going crazy. There is seriously something wrong with this damn house. I can't handle it here anymore, honestly. I don't know what to do. And it's not my imagination - I do get out of the house and do things other than work. It's fine in the bedroom. Right now it's okay, as long as the door is shut. I keep the basement door locked. There's no possible way for anybody else to be in here. I understand that old houses make noises, but this is actually ridiculous. There's no way for supposed 'creaks' to sound like people moving, or shuffling and rustling. It's not my cat either. He's with me 99% of the time and he hears all of the noises too. I was just sitting at the kitchen table eating my super late night dinner (because I have no other time to eat) and reading, when I heard this odd sort of movement from the living room. At first I thought that it was Andy, but then I checked under the table and there he is, just staring into the room, his incessant eating interrupted because of the fucking noise. So I sit there for a second, half expecting someone or something to just appear from the room, then I get up and go in there and check. Obviously nothing. So I'm just like, 'okay, whatever, blame it on the OLD HOUSE' (which by the way, is getting a bit old..haha, old. but seriously, I'm sick of that excuse). So yeah, I'm sitting in here for a little bit, then go to the washroom - but Jesus, as I walk by the kitchen, I hear shuffling. I'm not kidding, I heard it. There's no wind tonight, the tiny window is open but there's nothing that would make that sort of noise. This place just creeps the hell out of me. You know how we'd get a bad feeling when we would use the washroom on Main? Well, that's pretty much how it is here. And I don't like it. I know there's nothing I can do about it either and I hate that. Fuck the bad feelings and vibes, I hate having them. I hate feeling uneasy in my own place. This totally and officially blows.

On a much lighter note - I've realized that I talk to my cat like he's a person...that's the only aspect of my life that's a little off balance and 'crazy'. But since he's the only other living thing here, well I need to talk to someone about how dumb of a kitty he is sometimes. Maybe one day he'll tell me how his day went. I sense that he's trying to already, judging from the excessive amount of meowing that he already does.

The little fresh market store up the road from the house - well, it reminds me of a small-town grocery store - very simple and a bit hick. But it's okay pricing and has the basics. I did buy a bag of lettuce though and the edges of the leaves were already going brown and spotty, but oh well.

The heat today was almost unbearable. I don't know why I even went outside. I had to go and fill a prescription at school and some other things, grocery shopping being one of them. But seriously, I wasn't even one minute out the door and I regretted leaving the cooler house. It was pretty hot out yesterday too, but not as bad. I went walking on Whyte yesterday, but that was totally manageable. I didn't feel like I wanted to pass out from the heat. Then I had to rush to work tonight but by the time I got to whyte ave., I was a mess, totally hot and gross. So I actually took the bus to Chapters. It was probably a two or three minute ride, but saved me from running to work with a backpack, in this heat. When I got to work I saw that my manager at Fabutan called and left a message, asking me to come in and work, because one of the girls hadn't shown up for her shift. Fortunately I was just starting the shift at Chapters. It's always a fool-proof excuse though, saying that you're working at the other place. NOt that I've used it wrongly..yet. No, I wouldn't, I need the money too much. blaaaah.

Walking home from work tonight, I was jealous of all the people sitting on the patio's, drinking and just having a good time from the looks of things. But even if I had the time to do that sort of thing, there'd be nobody to do it with. So it just doesn't matter. I'm doomed to a total lack of a social life. Now I really do realize how much I relied on Jason last summer to keep busy and get away from things. I was always out with him, or Kim. Big differences, last summer and now. For the most part I'm okay with everything. Sometimes I think that I would like to possibly have a guy around to hang out with, but I'm really not so sure about that. I barely even have time for myself now, or to even do the dishes. It's a damn good thing I have a day planner now, I would be completely lost without it. I'm looking at it constantly, planning out my days. If I was involved with somebody - well, our 'together time' would revolve around that planner, with me looking at it and trying to book a night in. It's rare if I have a day off. And I don't think that's fair to someobody else, if they could deal with it then fine, but sometimes I have a fun time dealing with it myself. I usually complain to somebody about once a week, for a few minutes, and then I'm good to go. I hate how my life revolves around that planner and money though. I feel like I'm missing out on something, I'm just not sure what. Maybe just life - I'm trying so hard to not let it pass me by, but it just feels like it's forever slipping away, while I walk to work. I hate that feeling. Maybe I'm just whining now, but that's how I feel.

And now I'm tired, I'm not used to all this blog writing!

I hope you girls are doing great, and that work isn't too stressful. Hopefully I'll see you guys sometime soon. Love you all!

so. sick. of. this.

I seriously need to chill out. Today after work I had my first real nap. It's been quite awhile since I've had time to do that. But before I went to sleep, I had the front door open because it was so nice out today. This led to the escape of Andy and him encountering the neighbour's kitty, who has an annoying bell. But that's another story altogether. So before I went to lie down I shut the door. I don't know or remember if I actually heard the door click shut. And I didn't lock it for some other reason. Probably because it was daytime. So I go and pass out on the mattress. When I finally unearth myself from beneath the blankets, it's 6:30 and I stumble out to the kitchen and I see that the front door is wide open. ACK. That's my worst nightmare ever, and add that to my case of ever-increasing paranoia - well, let's just say I'm not impressed right now. I decided to check the basement out, with Andy following me the whole way. Then I open up the closet in the kitchen down there and he runs into the stupid dark abyss/storage area in there and meows - it's dark, and I'm just like 'there's no fucking way I'm going in there cat, get the hell out NOW'. He eventually heeds my warnings. Then we go back upstairs and I lock that door. But now the toilet is making weird sounds...you know when another toilet in the house flushes and the other unused toilet kind of makes a rushing sound from within? Well, the stupid toilet up here just started to do that, which scares the crap out of me when I'm standing next to it. It's not cool. And then I start wondering if there's someone downstairs hiding, and using the toilet. Yeah, it may seem farfetched, but being here by myself doesn't do good things for me. And it sounds like there's someone upstairs. I know we don't have an upstairs here, but there's the attic. And I keep on hearing creaks and walking sounds. And Andy even hears them too. I was just in the washroom and I heard something from the kitchen - so did he apparently, because he kept looking at something. So...yeah. I wonder if there are books on reducing paranoia concerning houses and possibly imaginary people in the house? It doesn't help that my dad decides that he's now worried about me, working late and walking home late, through the residential areas that aren't incredibly lit up. He thinks I'm fine in the house; I'm just creeped out. Even though Andy is so annoying at times - thank God for him, without him I would be so lonely and wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I think I am now officially the crazy cat lady.

I want my mommy.