i don't even know anymore

It feels like nobody really cares anymore. People say they understand and they might even listen to you, but for the most part, I don’t think anyone really cares, including myself. I mean, why would I care when everyone is just pretending and judging? And if they ask you what’s going on, more often than not, a story of their own follows. If someone were upset, then why the hell would they want to hear about how it supposedly happened to you too? How fucking self-centered and judgemental is everybody today? Where the hell does it all stop? I honestly feel like everybody is out for their own gain, thinking about their own lives. I think most true friendships are dead. So whatever, people are stupid, I can deal with that.

It feels like God is laughing at me and punishing me. That whole footprints poem thing is bullshit. I definitely don’t feel like I’m being carried. Every time I walk outside, I feel like a car is going to hit me, or that someone is going to attack me. I keep checking the locks compulsively. The house is making noises and I feel like I am not alone in here. My door opened for me by itself the other morning. It sounds like there are other people in the house. Feels like it too. I want to go back to school. I want to move away. I want to hit something. I feel like a big liar and a fake. I’m so sick of worrying about things and pretending. I’m just sick of everything. I want it to be summer again. I hate the cold.

I feel like I’m walking along, completely alone, through some fog. There is no end and no beginning. It’s nothing. In the space around me there are faces and images and bad memories. I’m really trying to get away from it all, but I just can’t. When I’m there, I’m not sad or angry – there are really no feelings. I have my blank face on.

this is all pointless, please don’t pay attention, i just had to write it out.

It’s Friday night…kind of feels like Saturday night though. I’m all alone, which is fine, I should get used to being alone in this house, because that’s how it will be around Christmas time. Actually, never mind, I never got used to it, especially after this summer. Whatever, the living room will continue to be creepy and no amount of awesome tree lights will fix the corner. Stupid living room corner.

I fucking hate Microsoft word. They just automatically capitalized it too. Stupid computer programs. Everything I just wrote was a fragment. Haha, the correction for ‘I fucking’ was ‘I was fucking’. That’s funny. Maybe I wrote that once and that’s why it’s there. Interesting.

Anyways, that was totally random. I went out for dinner tonight with my uncle and my cousin and this chick that my uncle was kind of dating before. It’s funny because this girl is younger than me. It’s kind of random and very strange, but it’s my uncle, I’ve accepted it. Dinner made me sick though; I feel very gross.

I really want to go somewhere. I feel kind of stuck in this place and I hate it. And if I can’t move – well, I want to travel. But I don’t really want to go on a nice trip, where I stay in a hotel and eat normal food. I really want to go somewhere and really get involved – that’s why I want to go on that volunteer trip sooo badly, it kills me that it’s so much money to go. I’m almost tempted to just say fuck it and take out a loan or something. My uncle offered to pay for half, haha, and get my dad to pay for the other half. Weird. The sea turtles aren’t going to save themselves, that’s for sure. Whatever, we’ll see.

I wish I could stop clicking my jaw…it hurts and gives me headaches but I can’t stop it. ACK. I seriously should go to sleep now, work will be so much fun tomorrow morning. YAY WORK.

So…Christmas is coming up. Christmas doesn’t get me excited anymore, which is kind of sad, but oh well. I hate Christmas music for the most part too. The season to get fat and eat lots of food and pretend like you’re happy. That’s what it is to me. ‘Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah…I don’t buy it. When I think Christmas, what comes to mind…mostly it’s along the lines of ‘oh shit, Christmas already??’ And then I start thinking about which parent I’m going to spend it with – that’s always fun, telling one of them that I’m spending it with the other – always kind of another mini-betrayal right there. And then I start feeling bad about that, which kind of takes away from the nice feelings I’m supposed to be having, and then I’m the bitter person nobody wants to talk to. When I was a kid, it was exciting – I guess for the presents and the tree and all that jazz…not really so much anymore. So bottom line for myself and Christmas – it’s all fine and good for some and I'm happy for them, really, but for me it just brings back a lot of painful old memories. Like the times when it was bad to call my mom and wish her a ‘merry christmas’, because we were with my dad. And maybe the time when my mom decided to tell my dad he couldn’t see us, because he was a little late picking us up on Boxing Day. That one was good. So he dropped off our Christmas presents in a cardboard box on the front step. There you go; those are my reasons for being a little jaded and not liking Christmas so much - and I don't want to apologize for it either.

So yeah – My name is Leanne and I think Christmas is bullshit.